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Magickal Library

11

I

12 The Equinox

The above is obscure. I perceived and deplore the fact. The idea may be more intelligible, examined in the light of history.

Gautama Buddha was a Magus. His word was Anatta; that is, the whole of his system, which revolutionized the thought of Asia, may be considered as based upon and consecrated in that one word, which is his denial of the existence of the Atman or “soul” of Hindu philosophy.

Later, Mohammed also partially overturned an age by uttering his word, Allah. But to us, practically, the most important case of the kind is that connected with such “gods” as Dionysus, Osiris, Baldur, Marsyas, Adonis, Jesus, and other deifications of the unknown Magus concerned. The old pagan worship of the Mother-idea was superseded by the word IAO or its equivalents, which asserted the formula of the Dying God, and made the Male, dying to himself in the act of love, the engineer of the continued life of the race. This revolution cut at the root of all previous custom. Matriarchy vanished; self-sacrifice became the cardinal virtue, and so through infinite ramifications.

This idea of accomplishing the Great Work by a voluntary death was bound up with the belief that the sun died, and was reborn with the hours and the seasons. Astronomy having exploded this fiction, mankind was ready to gain a further comprehension of its own parallel case.

centre of his own universe, his essential nature determining his relations with similar beings and his proper course of action. It is obvious that these ideas are revolutionary. Yet to oppose them is to blaspheme science. Already, in a thousand ways, the principles involved have replaced those of the Dying God. Little remains but to accept Thelema consciously as a statement of law, so that any given problem may be solved by applying it to each case.

The man Crowley had been chosen to enunciate this Law, that is, to exercise the essential function of a Magus. But he had yet to understand it, a task which involved the crossing of the Abyss, already described; and further, to identify his will with the Law, so that his personality might act as the focus of its energy. Before he could be that pure will whose name is that word, he had to be purged by fire of all competing volitions; and this was done by those who had chosen him during this part of his life, which I am about to record.

He had indeed got rid of his sense of the personal self, yet his force was discharging itself dispersedly through all sorts of channels appropriate to the various elements in his nature. It was necessary to constrain every particle of his energy to move in one sole direction. (The physical analogy of a gas whose electrons are polarized and one not so organized is not so bad.)

It must now be explained how he was able to understand what was happening to him in this initiation—his life from 1914 to 1919. The Grade of Magus is traditionally connected with the idea of the number 2; male creative energy, wisdom and the expression of a single idea in terms of duality. It transmits the idea of the divine unity to its feminine counterpart, the understanding, somewhat as a man transmits the essence of his racial character to his wife so that he perceives his inmost nature, itself unintelligible to him directly, by observing the flowering of that essence in his son. The Hebrew title of the idea embodying these characteristics is Chokmah, whose numerical value is 73. This fact appears arbitrary and irrelevant; but it forms part of the symbolic language in which the præterhuman intelligences who control the initiate communicate with him. Thus, my adventures in America seemed a series of stupidities for a long time. Nothing I did produced the 14 The Equinox

expected results. I found myself suddenly switched from one episode to another so irrationally that I began to feel that I had somehow got into a world where causality did not obtain. The mystery only became clear when analysis disclosed that the events which threw me about in this manner occurred at almost exact intervals of 73 days, or of some multiple or sub-multiple thereof.

I. Nov. 3, 1914–Jan. 14, 1915. Confessions, p. 826. In “Liber 73” (July 4, 1916) Crowley notes he was alone.

II. Jan. 15–March 28, 1915. Ditto.

III. March 29–June 9, 1915. Ditto. Crowley refers back to “three Chokmah days” ending on June 9 in Confessions, p. 798.

IV. June 10–Aug. 21, 1915. In “Liber 73” (July 4, 1916) Crowley notes he was with the Cat.

V. Aug. 22–Nov. 2, 1915. Ditto.

VI. Nov. 3, 1915–Jan. 14, 1916. Ditto. See Confessions, p. 805, where Crowley relates that he broke up with the Cat.

VII. Jan. 15–March 27, 1916. In “Liber 73” (July 4, 1916) Crowley notes that he was alone, but see Confessions, p. 805.

VIII. March 28–June 8, 1916. In “Liber 73” (July 4, 1916) Crowley notes he was with the Monkey-Officer.

IX. June 9–Aug. 20, 1916. See Confessions, p. 806. In “Liber 73” he calculates, on July 4, 1916, that he has had 8 days so far.

X. Aug. 21–Nov. 1, 1916.

XI. Nov. 2, 1916–Jan. 13, 1917.

XII. Jan. 14–March 27, 1917.

XIII. March 28–June 9, 1917. See Confessions, p. 826.

XIV. June 9–Aug. 21, 1917. The Dog. See Confessions, p. 826.

XV. Aug. 22–Nov. 2, 1917.

XVI. Nov. 3, 1917–Jan. 14, 1918. The Camel.

XVII. Jan. 15-March 28, 1918.

XVIII. March 29–June 9, 1918. Olun in here somewhere.

XIX. June 10–Aug. 21, 1918.

XX. Aug. 22, 1918–Nov. 2, 1918.

XXI. Nov. 3, 1918–Jan. 14, 1919. Meets the Ape of Thoth in early January. See Confessions, p. 848, where he states that with her appearance his “journey through the Desert had reached its last stage.”

As soon as I had grasped this singular fact, I was able to interpret each such period by considering how its events influenced my spiritual development. In this I succeeded so well that towards the end I became able to predict the sort of thing that would happen to me beforehand, which helped me to meet circumstances intelligently and make the fullest and most appropriate use of them.

Crowley notes that their function changed with Chokmah-day XIV, June 9, 1917 (Confessions, abridged ed., p. 826) when “the function of the officers was no longer to administer ordeals (I had passed the tests); they were sent as guides to lead me on a journey through the Desert to the appointed ‘House of the Juggler’ in which a Magus symbolically lives.” In approximate order of appearance:

The Cat. Jeanne Robert Foster, née Ollivier. The Scarlet Woman Hilarion. See Confessions, abridged ed., pp. LOOK UP, 805.

The Snake.

The Monkey. Ratan Devi (Alice Ethel Coomaraswamy, née Richardson, the wife of Ananda K. Coomaraswamy. See Confessions, abridged ed., pp. 773–6, 805–6).

The Owl. Confessions, abridged ed., pp. 805–6.

The Dog. Anna Catherine Miller. Appeared Chokmah-day XIV.

See Confessions, p. 826. [SEE ALSO 781.]

The Camel. Roddie Minor, or Mrs. Zain [CHECK]. The Scarlet Woman Achitha. See Confessions, pp. 832 ff.

Olun.

The Ape. Lea Hirsig. The Scarlet Woman Alostrael. See Confessions, p. 841, where Crowley describes her as “the last of the officers in my initiation.”]

16 The Equinox

From these and other indications I have been able to construct an intellectual image of the initiation; and if these preliminary remarks be thoroughly understood, it should be easy to follow the course of my progress to the Grade of Magus.

Í

[New Year’s Eve, 1914–1915 e.v., about midnight CHECK]

This record should touch briefly on the causes of this work.

Also on going to bed, I have done dharøna on an imagined figure of Hermes now and again; or the Caduceus.

I have been exercised with regard to the question of the possibility of my attaining the grade of Magus in this life (after all!) and my very blindness and impotence—which are at present considerable—give me hope. I seem to have no creative power, or inspiration. I don’t work at all; I do geomancy on all sorts of things. It’s funny; I don’t feel bad; but there’s something radically wrong in all I do. Is this the Threshold?

Jan. 2, 1915.

18 The Equinox

11:35 [p.m.] Dharøna on Caduceus till 12:18 a.m.

Practically one long fight against thinking of the

pole-axings I have had today. But I won in the end.

S.K. bought books to $100, and actually paid for

them!

address of his New York apartment.]

recorded in Rex de arte Regia XXIII.

9:12. Op. XXIV.

aid that Op. XXIV. This, too, to go to sleep.

20 The Equinox

9:15 p.m. Op. XXVII.

10:13 p.m. Op. XXVIII.

Came home late and criminally forgot to invoke Mercury.

4:05 p.m. Op. XXIX.

3:47. Op. XXX.

1:15 a.m. 31st. (Home late.)

2:25 p.m. 1 gr. opium.

Haud secus ac templum spumanti semini vates

Lustrat; dum gaudens accipit amphora aquas;

Sparge, precor, servis hominum rex atque deorum

8:55 p.m. 1 gr. opii.

11:15. 1 gr. op.

22 The Equinox

10:57. Op. XXXI.

5:07. Op. XXXII.

5:31. Op. XXXIII.

8:54 p.m. Op. XXXIV.

Feb. 14. a.m. in bed after Op. XXXIV and a late supper.

Feb. 15. I had gone to sleep praying for a dream to teach me how to fix the volatile.

I was in a room-square, bare in N.Y. where were 4 or 5 men. The eldest showed me the Book of Galeth (I took this to be in the Bible) and read some curious verses with words strange to me. They sang also, and the senior preached, illustrating his speech by a dying lion—a series of statues reminding one of the dying pig toy which I had noticed on the street a day or so before—in each case the lion was to be turned over onto its back. The theme of the sermon was mostly that “He” Christ or lion or elixir or something must be turned completely over, and must be made very dead indeed. The book was full of promises that he would come back, and he—on the whole—is not wanted back.

In Dream 2 I was wandering from a hotel in a desert place into a sort of Eastern City or bazaar. A boy was clinging to me at first; later a girl. I, on the other hand, merely wanted a Turkish bath. The whole town was part of the bath, but I couldn’t find the hot 24 The Equinox room, and in hunting about I got out again to the sign post where the roads parted just beyond the hotel.

Feb. 20. At docks all a.m.

Feb. 21. 6:35 a.m. Op. XXXV.

12:10 [Feb. 26] Too tired. Apologized.

Apologized at night.

Apologized at night.

2:55. Op. XXVI.

Late at night apologized.

Out all p.m.

26 The Equinox

? Very busy; probably did invoke.

March 8. a.m. apologized.

At night more apologies.

Evening ill.

This all broke down owing to my having to go away to Philadelphia.

__________________________________

Í

88

88

88

[July 1915 e.v. ].

28 The Equinox

Oct. 12 [1915 e.v. ]. 1:05 a.m.

I am just come out of a dream. I was supposed to be in the country somewhere proving an alibi, and had stolen up to town for an evening. There were Harré, Raynes [?], somebody I’ve forgotten who lived with Harré, and one or two others. There was you also, but your name was Miss Lelang or Lalaing, and you were a student artist. I think you had gone home early. Anyhow, I too went, not very late, after certain manoeuvres. (? There was some girl there with whom I wanted to be alone, but I can’t remember who, how, or why?)

In any case, I found myself on a grassy hill, which was the west side of the Butte Montmartre, and also a University, and I had to walk round to the south side to get to 56th St. where you lived. For I wished to make a last effort to see you. But I only decided this because I went to sleep “for a moment” on the grass and waking found it was 9:30 a.m. (I wondered why it was so light. The girls were going to market and students to the University and so on.) I had on by this time my blue and gold magic robe, and my C[ambridge] U[niversity] academicals, which I put on over the robe to hide it.

At your home the landlady swore you had gone; but I refused to believe it so silently and so forcefully that she suddenly changed her mind, took me upstairs, and knocked.

you were afraid (I think) and I have little chance for I came in with determination.

It was of course evident that you were the last word in horror.

Bye and Bye I threw you down tempestuously on the bed B, and thrust my head where it is happiest. Then after awhile I came up and began to make love to you in the usual way.

I woke, finding myself about to end, and believing the dream to be true, I summoned all my strength.

Í

N

SC

B

30 The Equinox

June 28, 1916 e.v. die Mercurii. Adams Cottage, Bristol, N.H.

June 28. 7:30 p.m.

10:30 p.m.

Awhile ago I had cut down a great tree, whose fork was marvellous like unto the thighs of a Goddess. This I set up upon a stone, and putting another part of the trunk—with a similar but smaller fork—for a Phallus, I did enflame this giant copulation by my magick art. And first the Phallus became as the head of a great serpent, even the eye and ear marked aright, and he visibly taking pleasure in his kisses to that mighty Vulva. Last he fell exhausted, and the head being burnt through, I did then erect the shaft against that mighty Love; then they glowed and flamed right gleefully together; even unto this hour.

June 29, die Jovis. 6 a.m.

At 5 I work and have now broken my fast, etc. The great copulation is still glowing red, the Phallus almost eaten through below the glans, yet still erect and joyous.

Colour-visions few, vague, and not very brilliant; but I had a wonderful dream. I was married to a most seductive girl, but I had come to her with my hands wet with murder. I still see the first, a Siamese boy whom I disembowelled. The whole night was full of the most Sadic adventures. There was also somewhere—I can’t hitch it on right—a skeleton with nasty buttocks which he kissed with; by the laws of the dream one could not avoid him.

July 3.

For one thing, it takes up one’s whole life.

One is puzzled; because Chokmah is Masloth, right away from planets.

July 4.

Chokmah being 73, one day of this initiation is 73 days.

During this night I had a dream, part of some orgie with a marvellous black woman of some tribe I do not know, part of a future wife—medium brown hair, rather small, compact, very soft, sweet, and absolutely radiating devotion and domesticity. In her arms was a baby; the Lord of the Dream (which was an invoked Dream) told me that this was to come. I should recognize the woman by her modesty, and the simplicity of her love. She is to have money of her own. Well, we’ll see.

July 8.

Tarot for this period following Monkey-Officer 2W between 9W and 7P.

32 The Equinox

Geomancy. Shall I get ample funds for publishing, etc., including living as I like; if so, when? (I did this div. very seriously, giving my reasons for making it.)

G.M. Conjunctio. Total 124.

1. Puella. 2. Carcer. 3. Puer. 4 Laetitia. 5. F. Minor. 6. Caput.

7. Acquis. 8. Puer. 9. Trist. 10. Via. 11. Cauda. 12. Rubeus. T.S.

Conj. J. Via. T.D. Carcer.

Fig. exc. for 4th; bad for 2nd. Time: A solar and four lunar figs. Ans. Yes; before end of 1917.

July 11.

July 12. 5:00 p.m.

A storm struck the lake; I went out to put my canoe in safety.

Returning, I found a father, mother, and child who had taken refuge under my roof. I was wet through, and went into the Middle Chamber of the cottage to change my clothes. I had just got the clean shirt on, and was stooping for the trousers, when a globe of fire burst a few inches from my right foot. A spark sprang to the middle joint of the middle finger of my left hand.

From this I conclude:

1. The Masters still need me; the Initiation is real. Cf. the fall with my horse on the Burma-China frontier in 1905.

2. I have repeatedly thought that death must be the issue of this initiation. This is then wrong.

It seems to me as if this Initiation were taking place “elsewhere,” i.e., not in my consciousness at all. It is obviously too big for my human consciousness; yet its results must work down through that.

I will write down my woe, that maybe it be thereby alleviated.

… There is nothing in me that corresponds at all to the grade.

There is utter impotence on all planes. This has persisted through the whole period, save for short spells, when I have been more or less normal. But always I slip back into the state for which I find idiocy an adequate and even euphemistic term. I do not in the least fail to understand the grade; I am simply unable to act. It is no good making up my mind to do anything material; for I have no means. But this would vanish if I could make up my mind. I am as it were inhibited from everything. I am tempted for example to crucify a toad, or copulate with a duck, sheep, or goat, or set a house on fire or murder someone with the idea—a perfectly good magical idea, of course—that some supreme violation of all the laws of my being would break my karma, or dissolve the spell that seems to bind me. And I cannot do it, because (chiefly) I have no faith that it would actually do so. T.

34 The Equinox

Perhaps I worry too much about “When shall I be free?” Perhaps after having preached to others so much of serpents and humming-birds, I myself may be a castaway! At all events, every species of divination on this matter gives negative results.

July 13, 12:15 a.m.

July 15

“I waited patiently upon ihvh; and he inclined unto me, and heafd my cry”; ergo, I prayed while I waited. “He brought me up also out of the horrible pit, and out of the miry clay (America?) and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.” Thus both rest and motion are assured. “And hath put a new song in my mouth, even prasie unto our God.” Then I hope I’ll write one.

These versicles came to me while I lit my bonfire—which despite much recent rain went splendidly of itself from the start.

July 16.

(CITE), and collaborated the the astrologer Evangeline Adams (DATES) on astrological books. Adams owned the cottage Crowley was staying in during this period.]

July 17.

0. The Mystery of Conception about 2 a.m.

I. The Mystery of Birth about 6 a.m.

II. The Mystery of Baptism about noon.

III. The Mystery of Worship all day.

IV. The Mystery of Trial 9:00 p.m.

V. The Mystery of Crucifixion 9:30 p.m.

VI. The Mystery of Resurrection and Ascension 9:45.

July 18.

Many strange dreams; but in particular:—I with some friends was visiting a strange Black King who was with a wife and either a child or a second wife, I was on his right hand. Many curious dishes were brought in and eaten, and at last a man baked in a special casserole cut to human shape. He carved me a slice of the hand, which kept the shape of the profile as it lay on the plate. I ate it. It was delicious, simple as mutton, yet as rich as foie gras.

I was wondering how I could get a second helping when I woke up.

July 18. 9:15 p.m.

This is very like the other figures (see Equinox I(10)) with Herschel replacing Neptune.

7

[corrupted Greek] = 666. Cf. Jones’ motto.

36 The Equinox

July 19 and 20.

July 22.

In Boston, Mass., U.S.A. Mercury on the spot; I had $30 stolen.

July 23.

Op. XXXIX. Following this, a solar dhyøna began, but was transient, and pra¬ava failed to hold it. I was very tired.

July 24.

Returned to Adams Cottage.

July 25.

July 26.

Worked nearly all day on “Adams Cryptogram.” Later carved in wood with scanty instruments, but with much labour and joy, a Phallic fetish, capable of serving as a dildo, and that either single or double. Now 10:40 p.m. I am about to write a Thelema tract.

July 28.

The planet Mercury is the moon, or feminine image, of the Sun.

5:50 p.m.

Took 400 drops Anh. Lew. Chocolate base.

6:15. Eyes dilated; rather dazed and excited. Also yawning.

7:35. Have been writing letters, etc. Effects apparently all passed off.

7:45. Find myself highly amused, but complaining that A.L. is a fraud. Dear old symptom!

7:55. (Entry with regard to VII° O.T.O., censored.)

8:15. There is some slight mental disturbance of the “analytical” sort; one “reasons out loud” over trivial things.

8:25. It takes pleasure in every trifle; and, asked to think of those things which usually distress it, dismisses them, like Jesus, with a jest.

11:50. Quite normal. Re AßAß (for one who was not of us), what a plot for Balzac—the rising from grade to grade amid fearful dangers, etc., and winning out—becoming equal to Buddha and Jesus and the rest—and that being the horror of Great Falsehood!

July 29. 1:07 a.m.

300 70 40 9 = 419

100 1

38 The Equinox

(This is another attempt to fix the Name “foursquare, mystic,

9:30 a.m.

Dose evidently inadequate to my exalted Grade!

My eyes are tired—but then I’ve been cooking over a wood fire in the open; I worke exceptionally active and energetic.

[…] p.m.

Quite normal all day. Heard that the Monkey-Officer had miscarried (on July 12). Asked Tarot if I should go on with the affair; got 5W. with 2W. and Taurus next it, and Scorpio and Libra afar.

July 30.

Aug. 1

Aug. 2.

Wrote long letter to S.H. Fra. O.I.V.V.I.O., mostly on sex.

Aug. 3.

10 50

8 70 3 5 = 86

= =

418 65

Aug. 4.

Canoeing and swimming all day. Wrote “Black and Silver.” A thrush came into the cottage.

Aug. 5.

I caught the thrush, but it escaped later, though I tried to tame it.

Later still, I found a snake in the woods, but filaed to kill it.

Aug. 6. 12:55 a.m.

Aug. 6. 6:45 p.m.

All day editing Golden Rose. Took 400 drops new A.L. preparation as before, but will drink wine to aid it.

Aug. 7.

40 The Equinox

Aug. 8, 9, 10.

At Shaw article all the time.

Aug. 11.

It is rather amusing after Op. of July 17 that I have now a stenographer exactly like a frog to assist me in the ceremonial slaying of Jesus in the Shaw article.

Aug. 14.

Back from Boston, and Ops. XLI–XLIII.

There is a most mysterious emptiness in the cottage. I have pointedly done all the familiar things; but it still all in vain. Nothing is changed, yet all is changed. It is as if a great banishing had been performed, but not by me. Is this the preparation for a New Current? The Rota gives AP between Libra and KtP, distant 2W. and PsS.

Thelema books give “Thou was like a flake of snow falling in the pine-clad woods,” which refers to Virgo, as to PsS. Am I to meet The Girl?

Aug. 15.

Aug. 16.

Made preliminary experiment with Ether.

Aug. 17.

Still at Shaw.

Aug. 19.

Tried Ether again. Opn. XLIV.

Aug. 21.

An amazing discovery. The Operations to have a child by Hilarion, July 8, 1915 on, seven in all, and one upon Helen Westley, ended Sept. 12 and Sept 16 with 3 Operations at beginning and end of catamenia. These Operations are described as particularly good. On Sept. 23, the Word of the Equinox was nebulae; i.e. the Babe of an Universe—as I now see. this Eq[uino]x the Word is sol-om-on, the child of David’s adultery.

42 The Equinox

All day writing and thinking out the chronology of the Initiation to Magus. The crises at the dawn of a Chokmah-day are amazing.

Vancouver B.C. June 21, ’16 e.v. 10 p.m.

Aug. 22. 8:05 p.m.

Aug. 23.

Note that this long solitude has developed my physical clairvoyance to its old pitch; I can tell the suit of a card, and usually whether it is high or low; right nearly every time.

I want, too, to place on record my certainty that all my failures came from abandoning my magick formula—of the moment—as I do now and again in deference to “rational” considerations.

7:35 p.m.

I have been sucking up to the vapour of Ether for a few moments, and all common things are touched with beauty. So, too, with opium and cocaine, calm, peace, happiness, without special object, result from a few minutes of those drugs. What clearer proof that all depends on state of mind, that it is foolish to alter externals. A million spent on objets d’art would not have made this room as beautiful as it is just now—and there is not one beautiful thing in it, except myself. Man is only a little lower than the angels; one step, and all glory is ours!

8:02.

44 The Equinox the antithesis in the above sentence between “up” and “down”

excites all sorts of ideas.

9:05.

And more.

It appears that will and memory are exceptionally good under Ether; but I am taking the drug in an unusual way, the active nostril to the can, and it may be the usual business of stimulation and exhaustion and that I experience my present advantages owing to my being new to Ether. Or of course it may be specially suited to me physiologically—though I remember this hypothesis when I began most other drugs!

9:43.

Soon I got

Ether-states are, as science says, ephemeral; so are all drugstates; it’s an instability. Time flies fast, though. I note that toleration of the sharpness of the smell of the ether is acquired gradually.

Hence one should allow 3 hours or so to get honestly drunk, taking an easy curve.

Aug. 24.

Aug. 25. 5:12 p.m.

More Ether. I come to the solution of an old problem through mathematics. I begin by trying to help the whores off Broadway.

6 p.m.

Op. XLV.

9:20 p.m.

If I am ever caught in an error, I shall excuse myself by saying that I did not mean what I said, but that “I have often thought that there is not enough talking done in the world, and I wished to make discussion.”

The above appears to me one of the funniest things ever said.

“(Star-Sponge,—where it is recognized as being the nervous system.)

Aug. 27.

Aug. 30.

Aug. 31.

All day at Shaw and “Mass of St. Secaire.”

Sept. 1.

Finished “St. Secaire” and St. Bernard Shaw too, thank Hermes!

Sept. 2.

Wrote “The Burning of Melcarth.”

Sept. 3.

At the “Corycian Cave” yarn.

10:30 p.m.

Op. XLVI.

Sept. 4.

Finished “Corycian Cave.”

Sept. 6.

Beginning “The Priestess of Cybele.”

In these months of loneliness those women only attract whom I have half-finished: Anny Ringler, Myriam Deroxe, Doris Gomez.

To keep a woman forever, get thoroughly excited, then quit.

11:30.

An experiment with ether has been in progress. I have just seen (!!!!!!!!) the difference between the Holy Guardian Angel of Abramelin and such “material” visions, and all interior illumination whatever. The former gives proof to the man as man of a celestial hierarchy; it relieves him of his main fear—materialism itself. Hence mysticism is no good to convince people—in comparison with magick, You must argue with the man you arguing with; mysticism is like making him drunk.

11:50.

I now see why the Buddha said: “Don’t fight error; preach the Good Law!” Too much error to fight! Dissipating energies! Even Christianity is hardly worth fighting; so many atheists are shocked if one does! Therefore: Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. and nothing else.

5:00.

I find ether has a curious effect apparently on the solar plexus; hard to describe. It seems almost as if it were a nervous spasm of sorts, in a very mild way.

Sept. 7.

Finished “The Stone of Cybele.” Letter from Myriam in N.Y. She wrote about Aug. 27. Op. XLVII.

Sept. 8.

Diarrhoea and headache. Half asleep nearly all day. p.m. began

“The God of Ibreez.”

48 The Equinox

Sept. 9.

Finished “The God of Ibreez.” And very nearly finished Aleister Crowley!

Sept. 10–11.

Wrote “The Old Man of the Peepul-tree.”

Sept. 12.

Woke after the hideous nightmare that I call the “Mislaid MSS.”

It may have been too much Chianti, or too many Page and Shaw candies; I have applied the old-fashioned but well-tried and never-failing method—cold pork chops and hot chocolate. There were stories and plays—more wonderful than anything ever— and the MSS. were I didn’t know quite where, and I couldn’t quite remember the names and contents of the MSS. But they had that rich flavour that MSS. only have in dream.

8:30.

Slept again several times. The same dream went on, this time with printed Thelema books, and then another small book of about that size, but full of dozens of weird novelettes and essays and dialogues.

Sept. 13.

Writing “The Hearth.” Note on pratyøhøra. What people miss is the a yogin can get as much fun out of swinging his leg as a Western millionaire out of his first season in New York. This ought to be worked up for propaganda purposes. (Need I say above means ether?)

8:35.

Op. XLVIII.

Sept. 14.

I continue “The Hearth.”

where the chemist hesitates before adding a teaspoonful of alcohol to a tooth-wash, but sells me a pound can of ether without a wink.

9:30.

Finished “The Hearth.”

Sept. 15.

Professor L. M. Keasbey, of the University of Texas, here on a visit to me.

At night I was being nightmared, a railway line with vast trains running over me in all directions, lots of narrow escapes.

Woke with a burst in the brain, very loud. this might make a new story for Golden Twigs, “The Iron Age,” which should connect the oppression of humanity with the use of coal and iron.

Sept. 16, 17, 18.

Talking to Keasbey.

Sept. 19.

Sept. 20.

(And then I went to sleep. I’m in deep reaction after the heavy work of the last six weeks.)

50 The Equinox

Sept. 22. 9:15 p.m.

The ceremony of the Equinox has been performed, the Word “sagittae ” coming (by my clock) at 9:05. It may be a litle fast or slow. However, call it 9:23:00, Gemini rising. Op. XLIX.

I perceive that the Word lies latent in the s...n of a Magus, and being placed in the mouth of the Victim, becomes a Word.

A geomantic divination gave Amissio for G.M. 100 for total.

1. F. Minor. 2. Acq. 3. Cauda. 4. albus. 5. Amissio. 6. Populus. 7.

F. Minor. 8. Pop. 9. Amiss. 10. Alb. 11. Acq. 12. Cauda.

Sept. 23.

Phanes = the Shining One, Augoeides, in Orphic; he is the bisexual Phallic god.

Revised The Gospel according to Saint Bernard Shaw.

Have been continuing Frazer, and started Jung’s Psychology of the Unconscious.

Sept. 24.

Last night, wakefulness, followed by disturbed dreams. Jung had stimulated me. I remembered my three dream-places; I have not thought of them for years.

Garret Hostel Lane, but with old wooden hosues, in one of which lives a sluttish but very fascinating servant-girl. In this town is also a hill covered with cottages, full of slaveys and low whores, who all accept me in a luscious vicious way.

2. the Hacienda, a few miles beyond a Mexican town, where I have sex-adventuers with the “owneress.”

3. The caverns in Cairo. A secret door leads to an underground bazaar, full of devotees of every fiendish vice.

I think I can see a way to get samødhi easily by certain applications of Jung’s theories.

Sept. 25. 10:30 p.m.

Op. L.

Sept. 27. 12:30 a.m.

Op. LI. This during mild ether experiment. I note that intellect is a detached phenomenon, a mere excrescence in the soul. It is the personality, and the tendencies, which are made manifest by drugs.

Sept. 29. 1:20 a.m.

Op. LII.

8:25 p.m.

Op. LIII.

Sept. 30.

52 The Equinox

11:45 p.m.

Op. LIV.

Oct. 3. 12:35 a.m.

Op. LV.

I note the period March 29 to Aug. 22 as that in Egyptian rituals where one has a lot of small gods in the pylons. So here I had officers monkey, rat, owl, frog, and ram. These will presumably dovetail to prepare the next period.

Oct. 4. 4:35 p.m.

Op. LVI.

Oct. 6.

Oct. 7. 12:45 a.m.

Op. LVIII.

Oct. 9. 12:30 a.m.

Op. LIX. A restless night full of ideas, especially “The Dwarf,” a story or play of Rabelais type on Jung’s theories. ……

About a week ago Gerda took Elixir, and had a non-elixir vision. Monks in brown robes and hoods go up a green hill, with misty top, in an endless line. They wear rings with a red cross within a gold triangle. This was on Thursday. On Friday I went myself to see the top of the hill. There was a great cross with three rings, and an open sarcophagus in front. Saturday, Gerda succeeded in reaching the top, and saw, without having been told of my vision, a cross with a sun on it and a heap of stones in front.

Sunday, she went again, and found the cross black and mouldering; in front, a bowl in the earth with fire in it, burning the stones to ashes. The monks have throughout had their faces covered with their hands.

The symbols are remarkable as being formulæ of Adept Minor, Magister Templi and Magus.

On Monday she started to pull my poor leg by copying Hebrew from Equinox, and offering it as evidential. My attitude seems to have discouraged her in this career of infamy.

I note that a fortnight has elapsed since the girls came; seems like three days. Who lives alone lives long.

Lodges, profess-houses, etc., should always be oriented to Boleskine. Made notes about government of O.T.O.

Oct. 12. 7:45 a.m.

Op. LX. Holiness to the lord.

Oct. 14. 1:20 a.m.

Op. LXI.

Oct. 15.

Sudden fever yesterday. Better today.

Oct. 16.

To Potter’s Place, through getting in wrong train.

Oct. 17.

To New York.

Nov. 1 to Dec. 9.

In N.Y.; a.m. of Dec. 9. arr. New Orleans for a G.M.R.

Dec. 10.

Op. LXXXI, dedicating myself anew to Thoth.

Dec. 11.

Op. LXXXII.

Dec. 13.

Op. LXXXIII.

54 The Equinox

Dec. 15.

Twice recently the Lord has showed me signal favour, by sending a sufficient sum of money when I was within a dollar or so of actual starvation. It is really very kind of Him, and I am aware that this is the usual practice in such cases, but I have had about ten years of it, and “I’m through.” I don’t care what the practice is; my faith is in perfect working order; I enjoy the Beatific Vision practically without cessation; I’m not complaining. I’m merely going on strike. For my power to work is being hampered exceedingly by the constant worries about things like stenographers and printers. The Book of the Law is quite clear; we are to have a good time in the ordinary sense of the word. And if the Book is wrong, then the whole question lapses. Georgie, the negro maid, came in this morning; I said I was annoyed because I had to go out to get a registered letter. She said that she didn’t have to go out if she didn’t want to; the madam could go out herself. Am I to be taught the simplest elements by Georgie? Yea, verily, and Amen!

I therefore down tools until I have (1) a competent stenographer (2) money enough in hand to see me comfortably through until the Equinox of Spring, this to include payment of all American liabilities and clothes (3) a guarantee—by some signal sign or in some more practical manner—that all will be well in future. I intend to interpret this in the most liberal way; and shall add to it this fourth demand (4) means of publishing immediately all MSS. except those destined for Equinox III.

This strike is to include all work for O.T.O. as well as AßAß. I shall not inform the Brethren of my decision; if the Gods can keep silence, so can I. If I can’t, I’ll learn how.

Dec. 16.

Dec. 20.

There is a peculiar attitude of mind which perceives all things, irrespective of their nature, to be beautiful. E.g., how glorious to have a really free nostril!!!!

Dec. 22.

Monkey-Officer wires passionate appeal to me to come to New York for Christmas.

Dec. 23.

Dec. 23–24; midnight.

I rise to record that for two days past I have had the premonition of great things impending.

Dec. 26.

Long curious dream last night. I was a priest of the Jesuit type in a profess-house or college of some kind. Edward VII came into the dream and figured prominently for some time, a long time.

56 The Equinox

His first appearance was jumping from a balcony 5 ft. 6 in. high;

I went to help him up.

9:54 p.m.

Ether. “Here is a Magus assuming that the whole fabric of the universe ought to coincide with his psychology. Which is absurd.” The perception that it is absurd is a perception belonging to a low and limited order of brain.

Note. Under Ether I always get this question of strata of thought. I do hope something will come of it—creative work.

To explain above I must say that I was arguing with the other

Masters about finance, expecting them to foresee all and provide.

I saw the rationalist objection, and the answer to it. We do assume a great mind capable of attending to everything at once, and dovetailing it. A rationalist could never conceive of a man playing chess, whose moves are certainly ordered by intelligence, however much that intelligence may be conditioned by prior

circumstances.

Therefore, I believe nothing. But I know this; that I have been dealing with intelligences as far superior to my own as mine is to Hereward Carrington’s—I say an extreme thing!—and I shall continue to strike with confidence that I am not fighting the air, but pitting myself against Those whose only folly seems to be that

They called me Wise.

10:25.

What is man? A soap-bubble blown by a spermatozoon.

10:35.

Yet every act we do, however foolish or futile, goes branching on for eternity—an infinite heritage.

(The 10:25 remark was not purely sarcastic; it meant that man with all his diseases, etc., was implicit in the spermatozoon.)

10:52.

Have just passed through an Ordeal. Can’t explain—take years.

General idea—“Damn it—what’s anything worth without money?” Cry of Magus “I refuse.” Keen sense of ridicule of the priggishness of it all, then and now. But a real sense of the choice between superficial and true things.

I’m inclined to think that the back of the Strike is broken.

The shame is on Them if I starve.

However, bother details. The point in above record is that the “I refuse” rang out clear and true above all the jarring sounds (Tennyson). It really was a test, and therion won.

Dec. 27.

Another long dream of being entertained at some American club.

The Kaiser came into it, but very vaguely. I am now going to start Work again, with absolutely no resources. I have not even proper paper or money to buy it. Total cash in hand 70 cents.

Dec. 28.

Last night yet a third dream involving royalty, I forget how.

Dec. 29.

Another dream; this time I was a boy, and present at the death of Queen Victoria.

Jan. 13 [1917 e.v. ].

I note, with all stimulant drugs, that if one is with others, the force is entirely dissipated, usually on the sex-plane. If one is

58 The Equinox

alone, one becomes creative at once. This is important, as establishing the ku¬‹alin¥ doctrine, with its upper and lower exits. It does not bear, however, on the doctrine of abstinence from sex; for in normal excitement the sex seems to stimulate the other creative power.

Jan. 14. 1:30 a.m.

Jan. 15.

Note that we naturally and inevitably divide women into chaste and unchaste; thereby subconsciously affirming that C. is the only important thing about them.

Jan. 19.

I have been getting the Tao more and more every day for a week; and I have a completely original idea for a game of cards ……

Jan. 31.

Op. LXXXIV.

Feb. 1.

Feb. 2.

Feb. 9.

Arrived at Titusville, Florida.

March 5.

Op. LXXXVI.

March 6.

Í

60 The Equinox

An. xiii Sol in Aries. [March 21, 1917 e.v. ]

There were several serious obstacles to the due performance of the Ceremony of the Equinox; but I overcame them, and at about 10 p.m. on this day of Jupiter obtained the Word for the next six months.

ynda

March 23, 1917 e.v.

“The Master of the House is one who does not care to hear disputes.”

It is absolutely impossible to convey the profundity of this thought. It began thus. “Instead of having the (exciting) time I am now having, I might have been asleep, if it had not occurred to me to etc.” This was answered by a deterministic fellow; he by a freewill fiend; and so on. Then I came and said “Damn it all, what’s

this noise in my house?” It’s the same as the “beyond the Abyss” doctrine; but in terms of psychological experience.

I have been finishing my long novel, rounding up things generally.

Left Titusville 8:03 a.m. this morning.

April 21.

April 22.

The body is cautious—fire, etc.—because its heredity has so taught it. (Possibly man the animal becomes more cowardly every generation. Think of the primitive man hunting the aurochs—and the modern American!) But soul has no fear, nor

62 The Equinox

can have. Therefore a man’s courage depends on the quantity of soul available. So the most spiritual men are the most courageous.

(Language confirms: “spirited.”)

12:45.

1:05.

It was an error to proceed. I wanted the Highest—the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel—I said “Let me not etc. let from the illusions.” Then said mine Holy Guardian Angel unto me: “You’ve had the Vision of the Universal Beauty—and what good has it done you?” I am still frustrated by this supreme skepticism from that Supreme Quarter. I must simply go on—down the Precipice!

1:10.

I have an idea for a story of an old English lady who notices eyeholes in a skull as offering no resistance to a narrow sharp instrument, and then kills a Prussian with her crochet-hook in the same way.

1:22.

The answer to the 1:05 question is that I am the Universal Beauty—and I know it. Alas, I am this, that—everything. The “I am I” formula is not merely “wicked,” it’s the Restriction of the Predicate that makes it so idiotic. The Word of Sin is Restriction.

May 6.

Had news of my mother’s death. Two nights before news had dream that she was dead, with a feeling of extreme distress. The same happened two nights before I had news of my father’s death. I had often dreamed that my mother had died, but never with that helpless lonely feeling.

May 27.

My health has been constantly bad—a mixture of swamp fever and rheumatism, fugitive neuralgic symptoms, etc.—at least I most sincerely hope so, i.e. from A.C.’s point of view.

Wouldn’t my ideas get ahead much faster if he were dead?

Shouldn’t I be wise to manifest in another, or in a multitude?

This practice has been nightly for some few days—I dare say ten. It has helped greatly my poor client Crowley, who now sees the point of the Buddhist corpse-meditations and their congeners.

(Written after doing Op. 3, An. xiii .)

May 31.

I have completed Opus 4, 5, 6 with the Object of the Promulgation of the Law. It appears that I should concentrate wholly on this, leaving it to Those invoked forces to arrange the details. I know the other way, the way of doing one petty operation after another is more interesting and more spectacular; but I think the only valid reason for using it is that one can follow one’s work better, and the point of this is strongest when one does not know much about the Method. In other words, the real Adept should go straight to the point. However, am I such an adedt—so far? I still do operations now and then which produce the exact contrary of the desired result. But in doing an operation which is in actual hermony with one’s whole karma-Will, such accidents should be impossible.

June 14.

I note after Butler that tanha is a longing for continued separa64

The Equinox

tion, and so a form of hate. So desire for fame is desire for a fixity in separation; yet all fixity is death. So “personal life” is hate, and perfection, which is “death,” is hate too. Another proof of the duality of all intellectual concepts. Forgetting is death, but so is remembering; for the one implies the other. So with all opposites; but beyond the opposites is not, as we hastily syllogize, a “transcendant unity” but a Something quite beyond definition or conception. The Universe is an organic whole; to be conscious of every detail of it, any more than a cat is conscious of every hair on her body. The realization must be “impressionistic”; and the mental image of it intensely biased. Therefore we must enlarge the mind as well as quell it.

The Illusion is always attacking Conscious Crowley in curious subconscious ways. One catches oneself assuming that C.C. has some importance to something, that this bundle of sticks is worth keeping tied, for example. It is hard to express how deep and subtle this has become; as a matter of fact, my brain constantly baulks at the analysis. “Change” is the special subject of a Magus; and all terms seem to have become entirely fluid.

I must confess to moral paralysis, by the way; hope has been practically extinguished, and I now realize how hard it is to work without that insidious drug. One doesn’t want to take a chance any more; the thought of wasting energy has become insuperable; I can only do a thing when I am sure of the result, or very nearly so. My life-work seems to have gone to utter smash at the exact moment when it was to have flowered. And this also pertaineth unto the Grade of a Magus, and I give Salutation to the Prophet of Allah, for like unto his case is mine also.

Aug. 28.

The symptom which has obsessed me since April, five months now, is as I thought, and think, a sarcoma of the tibia. But I have reconquered general good health and high spirits—ten very vigorous IX° and XI° operations in 12 days!—I have overcome the financial trouble to some purpose; and this without destroying the conviction of my approaching change. My diagnosis may be be wrong; in any case I have had the ordeal. Yet I am quite cheerfully making plans for the “future” which will probably never arrive.

Anna Catherine Miller is her name and we are living together in a room on Central Park West, where we can see nothing but trees!

Prø¬ø. Ether makes all body glow; but after [ART] the glow stops above mμlodhora. This glow is spherical or auric, not branching as it would be if nervous in origin. This is an argument for auras. It is love that opens the gates of the heavens, will that shuts those of the hells. I got this as a flash of cosmic memory. As a rational corollary, I got: Love is the power to say “yes”; will the power to say “no.” Cheap epigram leading to heresy; beware!

There is a point in evolution where all the different lines of argument run together with a rush I was identifying the eye of a potato with the Eye of Horus, when all the other eyes joined in the dance! This always happens as the consciousness expands, becomes erectile or enthusiastic, in the course of any general resolution of propositions.

66 The Equinox

“One stops taking ether not from fear, but because one reaches one’s limit. This is distressing, but should not be. One has done one’s own Great work; it is for one’s Holy Guardian Angel to do His. Yet I can slip into ivadar ana any moment.—What are moments?

Sept. 4.

I have had 3 “royal” dreams again in these two nights past. 1.

Roosevelt wanted me to go campaigning with him. 2. Rockefeller, who was a man with Juppiter rising in Sagittarius—gave me dinner, which I did not eat, by the way—and got very interested in my astrology, etc. 3. A long romantic dream of Charles II, an elopement, a burning mansion, etc., etc. I don’t remember quite how any king came in; it was quite typically a royal dream.

Sept. 23. 10:30 p.m. An. xiii . Sol in Libra.

Sept. 27.

I’ve been ill—liver chill and cold, etc. Every phenomenon is a Change; all Change is interesting as such; therefore the Universe is Joy. But the Idealist, with his Fixed God, is always disappointed.

The Masters of Truth are the only happy men, though they constantly observe what men stupidly call Sorrow.

Jan. 7, 1918 e.v.

Jan. 31 [1918 e.v. ]

68 The Equinox

An. xiv. Sol in Aries. (March 21, 1918.)

It refers to a great stream of clear water, Chesed.

July 19.